How I figured out I have ADHD

See that meme to the right?

My wife sent that to me one day, because that’s exactly what I’ve done for years when I tried to be empathetic. And it was always wrong. Like Go away you’re not helping me wrong.

(Maybe I wasn’t a good person or whatever because I couldn’t figure out how to be empathetic.)

That was the first time I thought that maybe I was neurodiverse because it sounded exactly like me.

But I had no idea what the word “neurodiverse” even meant.

So the search for info on the web began.

Neurodiversity describes the idea that people experience and interact with the world around them in many different ways; there is no one “right” way of thinking, learning, and behaving, and differences are not viewed as deficits.

The word neurodiversity refers to the diversity of all people, but it is often used in the context of autism spectrum disorder (ASD), as well as other neurological or developmental conditions such as ADHD or learning disabilities.

Harvard Health Publishing¹

I’d heard of but didn’t fully understand autism spectrum disorder, and knew that Asperger’s was ‘on the spectrum.’ I’d heard a little about ADHD, mostly that it was kids who couldn’t sit still (I’ve always fidgeted but I did fine in school 🤷🏽‍♂️) and that people argued if Ritalin helped or not.

But something else came to mind: the tv show Community. It’s an ensemble sitcom about a disparate group of students at a community college, ranging from just out of high school to senior citizen.

(If you haven’t seen it, I highly recommend at least the first 3 seasons.)

One of the characters is Abed Nadir (seen to the right), who has an extensive knowledge of pop culture and takes things literally. It is insinuated but not clearly definied that he is on the autism spectrum.

Abed also exhibits atypical social behavior that I just ‘got.’

Like, whenever he responded to a situation, either with less emotion or with a direct, honest response, I understood it. Abed’s behaviour just made sense to me, and I identified with him more than any other character.²

Learning disabilities? No way.

I had been one of the Smart Kids for years. I’m Indian-American, and if you’re not a Smart Kid (at least when my generation was growing up), you might as well be a dunce.

I was exceptionally good at school (I was *this close* to being salutatorian), until I started to not care about school and got depressed. But that wasn’t a disability, that was a problem of motivation or something.

College sucked because I was depressed and not motivated to go to class.

I only got one A+ in college (one of only 2 As) and it was a Hinduism class that I loved (I’ve loved mythology my entire life, plus I was raised Hindu), where I never missed a class, read every assignment (including all the optional ones), and aced the exams because all the material had magically soaked in from all the reading to point where I sat down to study and realized that I knew it all (which had never, ever happened before).

If I was interested, things were easy. But otherwise my GPA hovered around 2.0 (basically half of what was considered acceptable), and I didn’t graduate on time because I failed one of major’s required classes in my last semester (after trying the class and dropping it twice before because I was failing)(later they told me if I’d failed it 3 actual times they would have just give me the credits – why didn’t they tell me that before?!).

(Also, my parents, being Indian, were mortified that the Smart Kid did not graduate and could not admit it to their friends & others (even our relatives) when most of the other kids went to Ivy League schools so they threw me a fake graduation party.)

Oh – back to the ADHD.

(Sorry, I’m writing like I speak and my thoughts are littered with parentheticals.)

I wondered what the hell it was so I searched some more and ended up at PsychCentral.com’s page of ADHD Symptoms and Signs³.

Ah – so there are 3 types, and it’s not all hyperactivity? There’s the inattentive kind, the hyperactive-impulsive kind, and a combo of the two. And symptoms can change as you grow older? Interesting.

And then before I got to the actual symptoms, the most important part of the page:

To be diagnosed with inattention type ADHD, you must experience 6 or more of the following symptoms for 6 months or longer:

ADHD Symptoms and Signs³

Damn – at least 6 symptoms?!! That sounds like a lot.

Alrighty – lets see if I match any of the symptoms…³

Inattention symptoms:

• You have a hard time paying close attention to details. YEP.
• You find it difficult to stick with or finish a task. YEP.
• It’s hard to listen or pay attention (it may seem like your “head is in the clouds”). YEP.
• You have trouble following instructions. YEP.
• It’s challenging to stay organized or manage your time. YEP.
• You often avoid tasks that require a lot of focus or mental effort. YEP.
• You lose things frequently. No, because I almost always put stuff in very specific spots. Otherwise I would… Oh – so maybe 1/2 a Yep.
• You’re easily distracted by your surroundings or thoughts. YEP.
• You’re forgetful. YEP.

Holy shit. I haven’t had these symptoms for at least 6 months – I’ve had these symptoms for over 49 YEARS.

I guess I don’t need to bother checking the hyperactive symptoms but I might as well.

Impulsivity-hyperactivity symptoms:

• You often fidget or have a strong need to keep moving.YEP, if I’m not fidgeting I need to pace.
• It’s difficult for you to stay seated or sit still, especially when you’re expected to (like in a classroom or workplace setting).YEP (remember I mentioned fidgeting already?).
• You’re restless.YEP.
• It’s hard to stay quiet in situations where it’s necessary. Nope. (Finally a nope! But it feels oddly disappointing 😆)
• You talk more frequently than others or speak without thinking. YEP, for speak without thinking. I used to talk more but I’ve moderated myself better as I’ve matured.
• You find it difficult to wait. Sometimes, but doesn’t everybody?
• You have a tendency to interrupt others or find it difficult to take turns in a conversation. Yes, but not for the reasons they’re implying – I cannot figure out when is the right time to speak in a group discussion unless someone pauses.

Instead of experiencing 6 symptoms over 6 months, I’ve experienced 13 or 14 symptoms for my entire life 🤯🤯🤯

I think I have ADHD 😳

No shit, Sherlock! You, my friend, have ADHD (and that’s me talking to me and not to you, though it’s possible that you have adhd, because you’re here and made it this far). But just to be safe, I took their Do I Have ADHD? quiz⁴ and passed with flying colors.

And then I took an assessment with a psychiatrist who confirmed what I already knew (which I did because I wanted to try meds).

This all happened when I was 49, or just a year ago.

It’s February 2023 now, and while it was a rush at first that Everything In My Life Finally Made Sense, there’s been a lot of processing too.

Or rather, avoidance of processing because I’ll think of something then shove it out of my mind – because diagnosis is a double-edged sword. Everything makes sense – both the good and the bad. And I’ve been shoving my grief aside.

However I have to cut myself some slack: we moved from Florida to North Carolina last March, so I’ve been occupied with living and learning in a new place and attending to the needs of the various kids. Things finally feel like they’re settling down, or at least hitting a comfort level. So I have more time to think – and decided that I wanted to process with more intention. And I wanted to be more open about expressing my feelings, because I’ve been highly guarded with them my entire life.

So why not blog about it?

On an old school blog where I’m not trying to make money or sell something or hoping to make money or hoping to sell something.

Just blogging about the shit I’m going through, or thinking, and being honest about it. And hopefully attract some other people living with ADHD so we can feel less alone together.

That should be enough, no? I hope so.

PS With me being me, trying to keep it all to adhd will be impossible, so expect discussion about other interests & passings (and I welcome yours too).

1. https://www.health.harvard.edu/blog/what-is-neurodiversity-202111232645 [↩]
2. This was 3 years ago and it never occurred to me to dig a little deeper to find out why I understood him so well. [↩]
3. https://psychcentral.com/adhd/attention-deficit-hyperactivity-disorder-adhd-symptoms [↩] [↩] [↩]
4. https://psychcentral.com/adhd/attention-deficit-hyperactivity-disorder-adhd-symptoms#next-steps [↩]